take responsibilty

its always easier to blame other people for your misery rather than facing the truth that you are alone responsible to how you respond to life

believe me …. i got experience

in some situations you might be the victim and in some you might be the villian ,the shitty one

i remember when i went to vaal and my cousin and everyone believe i was intelligent ,yes i am …and i could do any course .metallurgical engineering didn’t sound so bad because i was a hard working and “intelligent “.my cousin made sure that i got a starter pack ,from making sure i register to making sure i get accommodation and settle in .but when things got bad i forgot all the things that she taught and told me …. i did something worse .i couldn’t face the truth that i was in a dark space and could merely do anything productive…. in other words course was chowing .

i realize how pathetic i sounded by bad mouthing my cousin to everyone who could listen and how i wanted them to feel sorry for me and look at her “a bad person she was” … in my head she had left  me and that’s the reason why all those things were happening .i had too much ego ,i looked down on other people even though i was the one who was drowning … after all i was doing “metallurgical engineering ” and a saint

the worse part or should i say the good thing i while i was blaming around me ,busing hating and bad mouthing people …they were making moves and moving forward .they were getting things done while i sat down and did nothing but destroy myself … well i didn’t coz i am here to tell the story

point is at some point in your life you have to take responsibility for your own actions … you have to face the truth .look in the mirror and say “i know i have done you injustice but now i am going to take the correct measures and steps to make things right ;from now i am taking responsibility for my action”

the minute i took responsibility for myself it was up to me to make sure i am happy ,i move to the next level ,i cut off unwanted junk and here i am today moving to the next level slowly but surely .i am not where i want to be but i know that it is i who makes sure i get there

on letting pain go

 

letting go hard as it is free our souls and enables us to love ourselves and those around a little  more … you will be able to smell the roses and food will taste a little better .when you let pain go ,you dont loose the lesson but you come to realise just how strong you are and you take that with you so next time you hit rock bottom you remember what you overcame and you are able to overcome whatever obstacle you are facing .letting however will take time as it took me me more than 10 years and lots tears and screams .you will lose and gain …people ,things ,lesson but most importantly you will discover yourself  ,know a lil more about yourself and have files of lessons you can use to fulfill your purpose ….here i wrote about something i couldnt let go

have never had the opportunity to lose my virginity the right way ,I only had a voice inside of me whispering you are damaged goods .i joined the conversation anyway ,of bashing girls my age who were sexual active .we would spend hours talking about the future ,when we were going to lose our virginity and how .conversations so sweet and fitting I had to push the pain further every time we had a conversation .i was a good example of a kid who was completely shattered ,but people  thought otherwise comparing me with their kids ,school peers always cheering on my school results .they did just that but refused to see that I was crawling inside myself and when I tried to open up they though I was a spoilt brat seeking attention.

I spent my whole life holding on to pain that became my best friend ,that programmed me .i think I was an un-diagnosed case of psychotic ,or maybe biopolar .and I thought that was my destiny .i was a very aggressive child ,sometimes too quiet ,,too loud ,too demanding .i was demanding of attention because I hoped that they would see beyond the skinny little girl with a smile .always overthinking ,jumping into conclusion and always waiting and expecting pain .

So attention I got from old men ,filling an open hole left due to being fatherless and sexual edges that controlled me .i grew up with this mentality that i had nothing to lose ,something already took my virginity by force I might as well as sleep around .so this became my daily mantra.it started with pornography when I was in primary ,to lusting after men who were old enough to be my forefathers then sex magazines .there I was watching porn every Friday and Saturday before I was 15 and I didn’t just want it ,it was my drug .i grew sexually confident ,only sexually confident because other parts were dead.my high friends would ,you always thinking about sex wena Loretta.yes I was ,because I wanted to dream about it too .

And I remember when I had sex for the first time by choice ,I nervously told the poor guy that I was a virgin .i knew I wasn’t a virgin but because I don’t remember loosing it sounded convincing ,although that sneaky voice inside said you are lying to this poor guy .and I remember having to act all clueless all the time although I went straight to his pants the first time I met him .and that’s when I realized I was raped and there was nothing I can do about it or at least I thought.the  pain went with me to Vaal where i experienced full depression as i mentioned before .the pain also entered into my adulthood until one day in 2012 when i decided that i have had enough and i deserved more .did the healing process began overnight ?no ….do i still fight the sexual edges now …. yes i do and sometimes they overpower me and sometimes my “over positive self ‘” says you are damaged anyway …the difference is now i stand up and fight for myself .i don’t like the idea of holding on to pain anymore i let go easily as i welcome love and delicious food .had i not let go of the traumatic experiences ,enduring the pain of setbacks and flashbacks .going back always seems easier and less pain but letting go always free us

let go because you have a purpose that only you can fulfill ,let go because there is more in store than the pain you experienced .you are not made /created for pain but pain is part of your journey .let go because you deserve to breathe and dream and eat delicious food .let go so that other people who went through can find hope through you

you see i never thought that one day i will be writing this without some ache in my soul ,without doubting myself or my abilities .here i am alive and blooming despite it all and i will continue to flourish

i have a name for my self and its not rape ,molestation ,bullying, abuse ,pornography  and depression

my name is Loretta the daydreamer  , weirdo ,motivation in my own way ,foodie ,traveler to be , aspiring writer ,dietitian to be ,farmer to be ,aspiring property mogul who happened to go through shit her entire childhood

 

 

 

speak positive things to yourself

 

i have recently started speaking positively to myself and the feeling is indescribable  …

i spent most of my life asking myself what is it that i want to do with my life as i grow old ……. nothing came to mind and still hasn’t .. when my peers would proudly shout their talents and strengths i thought i had done .this contributed to my depression because i thought here  i am…….. raped …. hey someone took my virginity by force ,i have no talents ,no dreams . i often sat for long hours and i would ask myself where i saw myself in the future … you could imagine the frustration when nothing came to mind .all i could see was everyone doing better than i was .and i became bitter …i locked myself in the room …i became aggressive and i thought porn will help .nothing did .

when i failed anatomy in first year ,it opened my soul not eyes because from there i became a different person .i had to loose a lot of baggage especially negative talk .this negative kept people longer than they deserved in my life ,it allowed me to tolerate a lot of bullshit ,i looked down on my self .i thought being alone means miserable .i decided on that year that everything had to be different ,in other words i had enough .i was praying for a relationship with my mother it was time to act ,i had to loose certain people i acted on that too .i had to have a relationship with myself and i spent a week by myself …. yes a week without knocking on peoples doors like i used to every day .it was very hard i will not lie ,because when you let go of a person its not just physical its emotions too and that part is hell

i speak positive to myself everyday ,sometimes i believe and sometimes i laugh at myself .i say to myself ,nana if they can do it so can you .and there is nothing more satisfying than enjoying your own company .i will keep speaking a whole lot of positive things even when i sound crazy sometimes .i am able  to daydream and i manifest things .some do come true and some don’t but i hope a lot of them will .OK let me daydream more

you are capable of doing amazing things

i love cutting out pictures and writing ,something i have been doing since childhood …. but i never thought that one of those quotes might actually inspire me to study
last week when i was studying for exam ,i got to a point where i thought :”hey my darling you are wasting your time ” coz really i saw no progress in what i was doing … but as i was about to quit and sleep i been wandering around my room looking for even more excuses to sleep .when my eyes finally landed on the window i saw this quote and it changed my evening ” you are capable of doing amazing things ” . unexpected motivation from unexpected place …. to think that when i wrote this quotes i thought i was passing time coz i was bored that day and last week it was the reason i went back to studying .just that one quote reminded me of what i survived and the possibility of the future
when i got to the exam room ,panicking and nervous as hell and looking around …i saw this other older lady on my side looking like shes ready to tackle anything .and i thought if she can do it …. i surely can
i am capable of doing amazing things
And to think that i never had dreams of my own before nor did i see myself as anything amazing … funny thing though is that even through all i have been through i never gave up
we often give in too quickly and have too many excuses too ,we often think that certain people deserve certain things and we only need to survive…nonsense we are made to thrive too
we are capable of doing amazing things
we often hear people saying that but i have a child or i am too old to go back to school
or i will settle to being a housewife ,working in a retail shop or worst part just staying at my parents house forever
i am 25 years old and still working on my first degree and not ashamed of it
if i could say something to my younger self ,i would say relax …and even when things seem dark … it will be okay ,you will flourish
you are capable of doing amazing
i am grateful to be alive and with being alive comes a lot of possibilities
i am so excited about the future …its gonna be lit .i am faithing it but also i believe in myself and that i am more than capable

its okay not to be okay

 

its only recently that i have learned to say i am not okay and be okay with it . its a norm or quiet typical to pretend to be okay for many reasons like not being able to express whats going on inside ,if you don’t want a pity party ,you simply don’t want to explain yourself or talk to that person or you want to look on the positive side .you know the law of attraction says that thoughts are powerful and when you saying i am okay you attract like thought and when you say you not okay such thoughts flood to your mind .so you want to say i am okay to attract positivity … but you have to be in a good mood ,you need to feel good in order to attract good … and for that to happen you need to admit that you are not okay
let me tell you a little story about myself
i was in Vaal for 2 years … for 2 courses i didn’t complete … yes i spent two years there …not fruitful but its the reason why i am typing this …meaning i obtained lessons instead of degrees /diploma .
the truth is that while i was there i was drowning … really in a dark place but i was okay …or at least that’s what i told everyone .i couldn’t sleep ,i couldn’t wake to class ,i couldn’t study ..99% of the time i was daydreaming in class .so you can see that i wasn’t really okay .. and i tried really hard to convince myself and others that i was … and you know whats worse when you trying to convince yourself that you are okay when you are not … you start comparing yourself with others to try to make yourself better … you trash people ,you always look for something or someone to blame …instead of taking responsibility ,instead of face the truth … that you are not okay ..in other words you become toxic to yourself and to others … and because you will enjoy their attention and pity parties … the cycle never break ,the pain never fades
everyone was progressing and moving to the next level and i was stuck in the same phase ,stuck with the pain ,stuck with the complaining and being toxic
the truth was too much of pain that id rather just stay with pain i had become accustomed to
but one day i snapped … i decided that i was going to fake it till i made it
but first i had to face the pain ,i had to admit that lori is not fine ,lori is drowning . i screamed and watched as tears flow out of my body …i couldn’t stop crying … i didnt believe how i almost lost the sweet lori because i couldn’t admit that i wasn’t okay … i have my days when i am okay …like everyone ,but i wont allow to rule my life or change it
when i am okay i will admit it … i will not drown in sorrow … i will look at the positives i have encountered and laugh at senseless jokes ,i will allow myself to bloom and tell my self stories of my imagination
coz i know now its okay not to be okay

purpose

what keep me going beside the fact i look forward to affording all the delicious food i ever daydreamed of ,is that i have a purpose that no one but me can fulfill .i take pride in the fact that no one can ever be me and that’s my power ..my favorite mantra or quote
on most days i am really positive about this life thing ,and how things are going to work out in the end ;but some days like this i would like to ask God why he kept me alive ,i should be dead right ? it takes minutes of self lecturing after to realize that i am really talking rubbish .. maybe i am meant to be on the waking up list maybe i have a unique purpose i always manage to justify it this way ….
i have a purpose that is not merely to wake up and sleep ,i have greatness awaiting for me ,at least that’s what the voice in me keep saying ..that i have a purpose .
i have thought of committing suicide few times ,went to sleep with few guys and indulged in porn .i always felt worse after ..like what the heck am i here .it all came to one thing …the frustration of not knowing my purpose
its frustrating to dig deep inside of you ,only to find it empty .. hollow is a better word .i tried to look at what i am good at ,strengths and passions are ,i tried to see if i have talent … nada ,nothing came to mind .is that why i always fail or too scared to even try ,is it why i am timid and managed to convince myself that i shy ? … questions like this ,i think has me to depression .frustrations of not knowing ones purpose .because one consistent negative attract anther and another ,and in not time you find yourself in a dark place .especially if you feel like people around you don’t understand or are living their purpose and you don’t have a clue about yours
but one day i decided that i was going to live and do my best … purpose or no purpose … it will have to catch up with me
i only know that i love touching people’s lives and that i love motivating people ,i love taking pics and making vision boards … delicious food ,like to own few properties ,maybe a farm or restaurant /become a foodie and travel .sounds like a lot but its really not much when you decide to live and exist loudly and not merely exist …
i want to encourage us to take small steps and do a thing daily that may lead to your purpose ,even though you and i don’t really have a clue what it is … but will do something great …small or big that fulfill me .the universe /GOD will take it from there
also i heard that it helps to visualize your goals ,i create vision boards ..lots of .its very important that when you do a vision board that you don’t limit yourself .unleash your imagination and put on your wildest dreams
maybe we will discover our purpose ,maybe we wont but all we can do now is do our best ,focus on our greatness ,not looking on the sides and not looking at our past ,not being anxious about the future but living in the moment

 

dont beat yourself up…

lately i have been obsessed with the idea of gaining weight ,well maybe not lately but it just became worse lately .the thing is i wanted to show everyone that there is something i have achieved and that i can too gain weight … hahaaha .until i saw this on youtube ” dont be obssessed with the idea of gettting results ” coz then it means that you give out desperate vibes … negatives vibrations to the universe which will of course attract more negative vibes until you then decide that you dont want to be toxic to youself and raise the vibrations .
i am about to get my 3rd year results soon and am currently busy with a portofolio which i am gonna use for internship .this sound corny but wait … thing is that most people went home …yes varsity is almost empty and im low on cash and very home sick .i have a choice though … to beat myself up and say “you should have just went home ” or ” you shouldnt be trying to perfect everything and go home ” but i choose to choose make most of my time here by making sure that everything is how i want it to be and writing on this blog … coz well there is no free internet at home and holiday mode is already activated .you see by being here is not really torture and am not missing out on anything .and i really think that i will thank myself later by slaving now .
you see by beating yourself … maybe you feel like you should be wearing certain clothes ,going to some places ,being ahead in your career ,should have gone to school .or you feel like a failure ,you feel like everyone is doing things or you are beneath your peers and not slaying … maybe you feel this way or worse .but beating yourself will not only make things worse but will raise negative vibrations as i have mentioned .
instead be gentle with yourself ,acknowledge your faults and mistakes …. set realistic goals in your own terms and go with the flow .you can only give your best .you can only hope for the best .and when you stop looking at what your peers are doing,it makes things ten time better .
be positive ,show gratitude in everything … there is always something to be grateful for … raise your vibrations and dont beat yourself up

live

i suddenly have this overwhelming feeling,like peace has just swept me off my feet. i feel so fresh and renewed. yeah it does sound like a line from a movie but let me tell you. the feeling is amazing and i got inspired to write this.

when Lillian dube said all the things that you experience is called life. all the pain… all of it… it’s called life. life doesn’t happen when you experience nice things only…it also happen in the midst of disappointments,set backs and something’s in between. life will happen as you breathe and it doesn’t need your permission. okay i made up this. i realised huh,when I’m asked in my golden ages i will have a story to tell. a story that you crack your ribs and make you jump out of your comfort zone.i didn’t go through all that pain for nothing. although i didn’t see myself indulging in blueberry cheesecake cake back then.. the pain was worth it. i want life to find me existing loudly,and I certainly don’t like i should have

what’s my message here… i used to say i can’t wait for this pain to pass so i can live.. pain that lasted 20 years of my life. i didn’t know that what was happening was life otherwise i could have done something. oh i did. i indulged in pain. i know better now. i know that things are not gonna get better from here.. and whatever happens i need to keep dancing..i need to keep moving. mAybe you are lost. life will happen while you waiting for thAt moment and it might come… and you will look báck and realise that you haven’t really lived. that you missed out and when asked at the end of it you will not much to say. live in the moment buddy and bond with the pain until it learns to love you

 

be happy now

 

we often hear people saying i will be happy when this and that happen.. most of the time it never happen*smh.there is happiness in contentment yet working towards your goals. we argued the other day with a friend and I was telling her that you can be content and yet not satisfied. just because being content can sometimes be a comfort zone and we all know nothing grows there.

you can be content and happy and chase those new goals and grow and glow up

let me tell you this…..part of me really can’t wait to work…I’m like obsessed  …”sigh “i do have a lot to write about.

here is some of the things I have pushed aside till I get the degree… this include babies, boyfriend,husband,relationship,sex… point is there are something’s i am depriving myself of till that moment. it’s called sacrificing some to get some. okay in my case i do this because I want to be financially stable before I have babies and even i will submit to my husband one day.. i want the freedom to buy ice cream whenever I feel like .but your reasons are different… what i wont do however is joy of living in the moment. i don’t think i will be more happier than i am at the moment. happiness as they say is

I’m also content with what i have… I’m beyond blessed and refuse to look down on myself. I’m happy also.i also will not committ suicide by comparing my happiness with yours. because we always make that mistake and say i know I’m happier than she or he is…or oh she or he is just pretending. i always say that the moment you compare yourself with another,you already lost..no matter how good you think you are

I’m happy with the little that i have… however that shouldn’t stop you from day dreaming. blow your own dann mind. visualise,  fantasize.. do whatever but don’t postpone your happiness

stop feeding things that kill you

i had this weirdo dream where i was in this unknown place and there was some insects. so in this dream the insects will crawl on my skin and i hated that. to get rid of them i put some water on them but funny thing is that the water made them grow and not leave. so i would go to another place and find more… i didn’t want them next to me but guess what i did. i fed them water and we all know what happened. okay eventually they got off but i might say i found the dream to be very creepy. especially coz i couldn’t open my eyes like i usually do during such dreams. so i thought maybe this is something I could write about

as i quote “people will love you as long as you do things that benefit them,even when they kill you ”

stop feeding things that kill you.. or people in this case

i have my fair share of toxic relationships and i now take responsibility for the pain they caused me. i allowed it. as long as someone depend on me,God say we must love our enemies  ,i got a cool friend or i can’t be alone…im way too sensitive;those were my excuses for staying

as long as you accept whatever things they give you,they will keep pouring in. you will be their plaything.

your intuition will never lie to you,when that tiny voice inside of you says get out,stop making excuses on you should keep inflicting pain upon yourself. take charge,take responsibility

i think at some point i was just tired of pretending,of complaining about this people,and making excuses. because I think i thought that by staying i would be considered a good person and that someday they might recognize me as their equal. that never happened

you have to ask yourself if that is want you really want… to compromise yourself. it’s hard though but you need to decide that you deserve better and not everyone is meant to be in your life. you need to say i deserve i deserve healthy relationships that allow you to grow and love freely. to protect your energy and inner peace. take all those compliments and love and money and whatever you used to feed them and put back in to you and watch yourself bloom. they will want to come back but you will love yourself fully that they will just remove themselves. yes don’t insult or wish them bad things… instead wish them well and let them go gracefully.

okay just stop feeding things that kill you.. thank me later